my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
