fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize