god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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