i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
