There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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