Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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