Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
