hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So much rum. So many feels.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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