Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
