I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
