I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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