my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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