Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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