I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
