Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
