saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
