Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
this is an emotional support booty call
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
