The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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