my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
