my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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