Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize