Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
