There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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