Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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