why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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