she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
