So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
