If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
