My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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