i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
