Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
