it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
