Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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