I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
