i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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