DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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