I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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