Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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