Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
