Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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