This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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