You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
