You smell like stripper and shame
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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