Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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