so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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