I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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