his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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