I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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