You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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