What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
