that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
