Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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