One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
