um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He shit in the fireplace
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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