So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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