I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
