I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
