This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
