I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
